Here are some things I hear
frequently in my practice:
“Why does my partner need to call me three times a day to ask me if I love him? It drives me crazy!”
“If I don't respond to every text message my wife sends me, she gets angry. Doesn't she realize that I'm busy?”
“My husband won't let me in. I ask him what he is feeling, and he just shrugs. Is something wrong with him?”
“I can't seem to find anyone that I am compatible with. I've met lots of people, but none of them make it past the third date. What's wrong with the world?”
If any of these sound familiar, or if
they sound similar to things you've said or heard in your
relationships, you might want to learn about attachment theory.
Basically, people attach (or
bond) to each other in predictable ways, and attachment theory is a
model for understanding how people form those attachments. Originally
it was developed by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby and described how children bonded with their mothers. In the 1980s
research done by Hazen and Shaver showed that attachment theory
applies to adult romantic relationships. Now we think that attachment
theory applies to most kinds of human relationships.
(Bonus fun fact! Research from theUniversity of Haifa shows that people's emotional responses to
television characters matches their attachment styles, particularly when those television characters were taken off the air. In other
words, that Big Sad you had when Firefly was canceled might have had a lot to do with your attachment style, not just your love of
quality narrative and innovative Sci-Fi.)
According to attachment theory, there
are four broad styles of attachment. Here they are, and to make it
easier to remember, I provided a familiar example of each.
Secure (Clair Huxtable)
People with secure attachments are
comfortable being in relationships and also comfortable being
independent. They can set boundaries and maintain them. People with
secure attachment can recover from rejection, even if they do not
like it. Generally, people with secure attachments are confident that
their partner loves them, and do not seek many reassurances.
Anxious-Preoccupied (Rachel Berry)
As the name suggests, the anxious
attachment type is characterized by anxiety around intimacy. Often,
people with this style have trouble being alone or single, and
sometimes they would prefer to be in any relationship—no matter
how bad—rather than be single. They need frequent reassurance and
affection from their partners. The theory holds that people with
anxious attachment are looking for reassurances from their partners
to counter their negative opinions of themselves. This is the
attachment style of the person who asks, “do you love me?” dozens
of times a day. This is also the attachment style of the person who
goes through your text messages or your email looking for evidence
that you're cheating—behaviors like this are driven by anxiety
around the security of the relationship.
Dismissive-Avoidant (Liz Lemon)
The avoidant type is uncomfortable with
intimacy, and is often characterized by high levels of independence.
Sometimes people with avoidant attachment will feel “suffocated”
or “smothered” when in relationships with others, regardless of
the level of intimacy. The person with dismissive attachment style
usually has the ability to talk themselves out of any relationship.
When confronted with their avoidant behavior, this person will likely
rationalize it away. (For example: I have been told that “there
aren't any good dating prospects in metro Detroit.” Really? We're
supposed to believe that there are 3 million people in metro Detroit,
and all of them are either taken or terrible? Somehow, this is hard
to believe. You may have heard something similar.)
Basically, it's a combination of both
the anxious type and the avoidant type. This person is is frightened
of intimacy, and but actively seeks it out. In order to balance these
conflicting desires, the fearful-avoidant type often lashes out at
anyone who gets close to them, even though this person very much
wants to be close to others. This is the least common attachment
style.
So how do I know which type I am?
First, let's recognize that these are
technically points on a complex continuum of our lives. In other
words, you may find that your attachment style alternates between
two, or that you are mostly one style, with some features of another. Our lives are complex tapestries, and any psychological model
is just that—a model designed to give us a way to understand and
talk about complex people.
So once we have that understood, if you
want to know what your type profile looks like, you can take a test here.
Too much work to take that test? Hazan
and Shaver, the researchers mentioned earlier, used
these three paragraphs to determine attachment style very quickly.
Read them all, and notice which one you identify with.
A. I am somewhat
uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust
them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am
nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be
more intimate than I feel comfortable being.
B. I find it
relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending
on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being
abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
C. I find that
others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry
that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me.
I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares
people away.
If you identify as paragraph A, you are
likely dismissive-avoidant in your attachments. If you identify with
paragraph B, you are likely secure in your attachment. And if you
identify with paragraph C, you are likely anxious-preoccupied. If you
identify with both A and C, you are likely fearful-avoidant.
So now what? Can my attachment style
be changed?
Yes, it can. But it will take time and
hard work. The kind of attachment style you have will dictate what
you can do to begin the process of working on developing a secure
attachment.
If you have anxious-preoccupied
attachment, you will probably benefit from working on your sense of
your self. If you can come to place where you can say, “I'm OK and
you're OK,” then you're doing a good job of working towards secure
attachment. Work towards being able to look at your own life and say,
“I'm a human, and I have flaws, but overall, I like who I am. Other
people will like me, too.” How do you do this? Well, think about
ways of developing self-esteem and self-acceptance. There is not room
here to talk about how to improve these things, but there are lots of
resources out there. Get some psychotherapy if you need it.
If you have dismissive-avoidant
attachment, you will probably benefit from improving your opinion of
others, and your openness towards them. See what your particular
pattern is—do you work until you don't have time for relationship?
Do you find fault with everyone in your life? Do you refuse to let
other people see “the real you?” Figure out what it is that keeps
you from opening up, then stop doing that. Be prepared for some
anxiety to accompany this process. Get some psychotherapy if you need
it.
If you have fearful-avoidant
attachment, you want to do what is suggested in both paragraphs
above. You want to develop a sense of yourself as being capable and
likable. And you want to learn that you can protect yourself and
still stay in a relationship, not run from it. This
requires both an improvement in your own self-assessments, and an
increased ability to tolerate others. While this is a challenging
path, it is certainly possible. Get some psychotherapy if you need
it.
You may have noticed that I wrote
“get some psychotherapy if you need it” for all of these.
Why did I do that? Because individual talk therapy is a very
effective way of coping with challenging attachment styles. The
reason is the therapeutic relationship itself. Developing and
maintaining a relationship with a therapist is a major factor in
changing attachment styles.
My partner is driving me nuts! S/he
has anxious/avoidant/fearful attachment. What can I do?
Well, one of my cardinal rules in
relationship therapy is “if you have a need, say it out loud.” So
consider sending your partner the link to this article (or one like
it—use Google) and have an honest conversation. Your partner
deserves the opportunity to have emotional healing, just like you do.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone who is struggling is
to point them in the direction of help.
And—I cannot stress enough how
this is an “in addition to” suggestion, and not an “instead of”
suggestion—get really honest about your attachment style. Be
fearless in your assessment of your own style, so you know if you are
feeding into the relationship dysfunction. Then take the steps
necessary to get the healing you need.
Helping yourself develop a secure
attachment will also go a long way towards your partner's healing as
well. Studies have shown that people who have insecure attachment
styles will actually start to be more secure when they are in
relationships with people who are secure in their own attachment
style.
References:
Bartholomew K, Horowitz LM, (1991).
"Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category
model". J Pers Soc Psychol 61 (2): 226–44
Fraley, Chris R. 2010. “A Brief
Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research.” Retrieved online
at http://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
Hazan C., Shaver P.R. (1987)."Romantic
love conceptualized as an attachment process". J Pers Soc
Psychol 52 (3): 511–24.
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