People often come to see me because they feel
their relationships are not satisfying.
I remember one man in particular. He was able to identify that he
felt betrayed in every significant relationship he had ever had,
starting in his childhood. He felt that his mother and father had
betrayed him as well, shaming him because of his poor academic
performance, disproving of his failures in athletics, and eventually
turning their backs on him completely when he came out of the closet
in his late teens.
One session, he detailed the subsequent
betrayals and hurts. He was opining that he did not believe he would
ever be able to love again because of all the pain, when I stopped
him: “I hear that these experiences were painful for you. But what
if you could open your heart up even when it hurts?”
The expression on his face told me that
he had never asked this question before. And I believe that this is a
question that we as a culture do not entertain. If you are in pain,
you should take a pill. If you are hurting, find a solution. If a
relationship does not work, leave and get another one. We look for
the fix to our problems, often describing the thing that we feel will
take the hurt away as a “need.” “I need a better relationship,”
or “I need to make more money.” What if, instead of looking for
the way out, we looked for an inner strength to sustain?
I am not referring to staying in
unnecessarily bad or abusive situations here, but rather recognizing
that some pain and discomfort are necessarily a part of our lives.
What if we each knew with an instinctive and unflappable certainty
that we will endure, that we have the fortitude to struggle through
our pain?
With the client I mentioned above, we
began to look at how he closed himself down. We studied his body
movements and the physical sensations he had when he felt wronged,
and we worked to lessen these reactions. We worked with physical cues
to remain open-hearted, even when he felt hurt or betrayed.
Open your eyes and pull your shoulders
back. Breathe from your stomach and relax. Sit or stand up straight,
and soften your belly and chest. Be present with the feelings. See
what it feels like to be unafraid, to be in control even when you are
in pain.
This is a wonderful blog. This makes perfect sense. To be able to open to pain as it arises, not to turn away and shut down. I keep practicing this, but wanted to tell you that my body felt your words...
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